I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
