Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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