I smell stomach acid.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
