I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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