i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
