Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
