He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
