Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
two words...techno handjob
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
