Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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