I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
