there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
