i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
