A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
