cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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