no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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