im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
