I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
