jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
