I wish I could teleport
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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