1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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