My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
