I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
