Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
