I'm so fucking centered right now
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
