I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
