he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
