if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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