My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
