i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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