this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
