i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
