alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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