I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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