My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
