So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
