so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
