How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
