i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
