I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
