Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
