I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
time to smoke my breakfast
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
