you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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