fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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