He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
