um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
