The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
