hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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