My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
