its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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