some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
