it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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